Intimidated

I am intimidated:
By his formidable intellect,
By the curves of her body and the twin depressions on her back.

I am intimidated:
By his success and self-assurance,
By the eloquence of her words and the popularity of her prose.

I am intimidated:
By his soft musical hands,
By her long, glossy hair and her slim, swaying hips.

I am intimidated:
By the way that he touches her,
By the way she responds and how their bodies entwine.

I am wondering:
What I'm so scared of
And why I haven't tried...

A Bit Disillusioned, That's All

As most of you know, I'm just out of high school. I'm 18. I wouldn't call myself an adult, but I wouldn't call myself a kid either (carefully phrased to avoid sounding like Ms. Spears). Lately I've been around people who are a fair bit older than I am. I've always been around adults - even when I was much younger - but it's the first time that I've been interacting with them on a level that allows for such close observation.

And here's what I've learnt.
There's nothing that glamorous about the adult world; they're us with more freedom. They make the same mistakes - only worse. When I left school I thought (or hoped) that I was leaving all the pettiness, bitchiness and melodramatic crap behind.
But no.
I've met people who are petty, bitchy, hypocritical and downright unethical. What disappoints me is that they're adults. The "I was too young to know any better" excuse doesn't work for them anymore. I'm not justifying any of the things that young people get upto - not at all. I was just under the (erroneous) impression that as you grow older you leave the mistakes of your youth behind and pull yourself together to become a responsible adult; an adult being someone who displays most of the following characteristics (courtesy Wikipedia):

Self-control - restraint, emotional control.
Stability - stable personality, strength.
Independence - ability to self-regulate.
Seriousness - ability to deal with life in a serious manner.
Responsibility - accountability, commitment and reliability.
Method/Tact - ability to think ahead and plan for the future, patience.
Endurance - ability and willingness to cope with difficulties that present themselves.
Experience - breadth of mind, understanding.
Objectivity - perspective and realism, depression.
Decision making capability - as all of the above correspond to making proper decisions.
Priorities - Ability to determine what is necessary at that place and time.

I see adults who don't even come close to complying to any of the above (and yes, I understand that there's no formula for adult behaviour, but the list does sum up the general gist of what we perceive to be adult qualities). I'm not judging anyone; everyone's entitled to live their life according to what they believe in. It's just that I've seen people who are the total opposite of what I hope to become. I don't want to stay the selfish, immature person I am today at 18. It's not like I'm aiming for perfection, as if. I want to be a better person when I'm older, not worse. I see how easily I could end up like the people who've made me so disillusioned with adulthood...and now I'm all the more adamant that I don't turn out that way.

Although I love school, I'm happy to leave and I'm ready to move on. I want to leave the whole Colombo gossipy society crap behind. Now I wonder if you ever really get out...it seems like you're just moving from one arena of bullshit to another. Colombo sucks sometimes. Or maybe it's not Colombo per se, maybe it's people. Maybe we're the ones who suck (excuse my eloquence).

We can all be better, and I know that most of us can tell the difference between right and wrong. But then I don't think it's telling right from wrong that's hard. It's refraining from doing what you know is wrong that's difficult...And maybe that's what makes you an adult.

Don't Judge Me (By My Facebook Profile)

It's amazing how much you can find out about people using Facebook - who's going out with who, etc. But what's equally astounding is how much you can get wrong.

If you don't know someone very well, you try to find out the kind of person they are by looking at their Facebook profile: the pictures they have or the applications they use. For example, someone with pictures of themselves partying coupled with the 'What's your stripper name?' and 'Booze Mail' applications might give a, um, certain kind of impression. Someone with tamer pictures and the 'Daily Bible verse' app would be viewed somewhat differently...

Alot of people seem to think my friends and I are superficial because of the way we pose in our Facebook pictures. And okay, yes, I'm not going to dispute the fact that we do pose, pout and all that jazz. So we're a little bit narcissistic (who isn't?). But then why judge the entire person by the pictures you see? The evidence of having fun and partying as seen in our pictures shouldn't erase the possibility that we could also be nice, interesting, intelligent people who have interests beyond just having fun (we didn't happen to take our cameras along when we were studying in the library or going to church). We may not actually be all those things, but that's not the point. The point is, it would nicer if people made more informed judgments about us; ones not solely based on Facebook info - which can be misleading.

Everyone using Facebook does so with the acute awareness that they're playing to a (rather avid) audience. And so alot of stuff is done intentionally for their benefit. Let's face it, the pictures you put up aren't simply so that you can sit and admire yourself. You want other people to admire you and know that you're having a great time.
I had fun. Here's a picture. Proof.
That's the way it usually goes.

Some images are deliberately portrayed and carefully crafted. But then others can be inadvertent. There's nearly always a flip side, and you should take into account the fact that alot of people just want to build a certain image on Facebook. That doesn't mean it defines who they really are.

I enjoy seeing pictures of myself. So sue me.

Secrets

I started writing several posts this week. And then I faithfully abandoned each one. I'm finding it difficult to write conclusively on anything lately. I think that's because each attempted post has been nothing but a digression from the truth. Sometimes it's hard to articulate the things you really want to say. Sometimes it's even harder to know what you want to say. So I'm sitting here with my laptop on my knees wondering what exactly it is I want to write about. I really want to say something. I want to write about why I'm home at 9.45AM on a Wednesday when I should be at work. But I can't. So in typical fashion I'll evade the truth and vaguely allude to all the things I have to say. Because god forbid I actually just say them. I'm a bit of a closed, secretive kind of person, as most of you will know. So please bear with me and my reticence.

Anyway here's the thing about secrets. They turn you into a liar.
I've got a secret. And it's got me lying to my friends. The best part is it's not even my secret. But that's okay, I'm not complaining. I'm just having a bit of an epiphany on the whole secrets thing; the fact that they force you to lie. I guess since most people lie anyway it's not that big a deal. But it is to me. A friend of mine lied to me quite alot, and again for the whole reason of having a secret. Even though I know it was a valid enough reason, as far as reasons for lying go, it still hurt. Eventually he did confide in me, but even when he did my mind just kept going over all the lies he used covering things up. I was hurt, but at the same time when someone is finally opening up to you it's probably a bit petty and selfish for you to break in and say something like "I can't believe you lied to me all along". Because at that moment it stops being about you and starts being about them.

Getting caught up in the whole secrets thing is making me realise that sometimes it's probably better to just come out with whatever it is you're hiding. I don't really have any major secrets of my own and I don't really know what it's like, so I guess it's not fair for me to say that. All I know is this:

"Most of our faults are more pardonable than the means we use to conceal them" - Francois.

He's right. But I guess that still doesn't make things easier.