The Better Mood As Promised...

I've been referred to by a variety of names today. Some out of humorous affection. Others not so much.
For a quick run through: lesbian/dumb blonde/vampire/emotionally stunted/not normal/butch

Not very complimentary are they? Now before you pretend to gasp in shock (whilst mentally picking the one you find most apt) let me give my labels some context.

Lesbian/Butch/Vampire: Courtesy of my beloved gay friend. Apparently I am a combination of all three. I'm assuming this is all said out of fondness and for the sake of some hilarity. After all, I eat garlic bread. I like guys. And I'm somewhere between 5"2 and 5"4. I couldn't possibly be a burly lesbian vampire.

Dumb Blond: Now this one both annoyed and amused me. More the former, less the latter. Much less. Apparently someone I know told one of my friends that I'm a dumb blonde who has a surprisingly intelligent sounding blog. The amusing part was that this was coming from someone who is known for being, how shall I say, not the brightest crayon in the box. The annoying part was that IT ISN'T TRUE. I may be a lesbian vampire, but I'm not a dumb blonde.
And my hair's brown.

Emotionally Stunted/Not Normal: My friends at work were appalled to discover that I'm not a fan of grabbing another person and squishing my body up against theirs. Not liking hugs doesn't make me a Cristina Yang! I'm a short person, hugs don't work out that well for me. Instead of my head resting on the other person's shoulder/next to their cheek my head ends up somewhere in the middle of their chest. I may love you and everything, but that still doesn't make it a very pleasant experience. I have other ways of showing my affection. If you stick around long enough you'll find out :)

So yeah...I'm the emotionally stunted bimbo lesbian vampire. 

Nice to meet you.

I'll Try And Be Nicer Tomorrow. Promise.

When I'm in a bad mood I find happy people irritating. Really irritating. Take today, where I was sitting quietly at my desk reading some Pasternak and not bothering anyone with my moodiness. Along came a friend I work with. An exceptionally chirpy, shiny, happy friend.

Him: Hiiii what are you doing :) (I include the emoticon, because it practically appeared in a little speech bubble above his head)
Me: Reading.
Him: Ooh. July's almost over!!! That means there's only (pauses to count on fingers) 5 months til Christmas!! Yayy :D (at this point he's bobbing up and down in his chair, grinning like a Jack O'Lantern)
Me (in my head): Are you kidding me.
Me: Oh. How nice.
Him: You don't like Christmas?
Me: Not particularly. But then I don't like birthdays or weddings either.
Him: Aah. I'm so psyched though! It's almost Christmas! (mini spasm of excitement ensues)
Me (in my head): It really isn't.
Him: Are you in a bad mood?
Me (in my head): You think?
Me: Um no, not really. Just wanna read. Can't really talk and read at the same time...

And so on...until I took my tea and went to some place where I could be alone. I've switched my laptop camera on so I can see what's going on behind me...and to make sure no one's hovering over my shoulder. Yes, I'm aware that I'm slightly paranoid.

Anyway the point is that when I'm pissed off I want to be left the hell alone. And people asking me if I'm okay and talking about ridiculous things like CHRISTMAS in July just makes me even MORE pissed off.

AAAH. He just launched a surprise attack from the side. I couldn't have possibly seen it coming: "Hellooooooooooo love :D". Luckily the conversation was brief and ended in him coming to the miraculous revelation that today Shruthi isn't smiling much. 4 for you Glen Coco. You go Glen Coco.

UPDATE: 

Him: Let's sing Christmas Carols!!!

Horrified expression on my face

Him: Shruthi are you mad at me? You seem disappointed in me...

It's raining like crazy outside. Talk about pathetic fallacy.

Bruise

What's that mark upon your arm?
Some ink perhaps?
Oh no, what's that!
A big blue-black bruise?
Oh my, what a bruise!
Pray, what was the cause
Or the occasion
That created such a god-awful lesion?
Intended contact?
Or mere unwitting mishap?
But wait,
Oh great mother-
Do I spy ANOTHER?
Oh quick, fetch the ice
We'll have them gone in a trice!

Now really, my dear
There is nothing to fear.
No need to gape,
No foul play, no, not rape!
Just a silly old mark,
Nothing sinister or dark,
Although, I must say
(Should I really say?)
That bruises, well they
Have some kind of sway...
And now I'm so fond
Of blemish, of blood,
I wear them with pride -
Dear, don't look so horrified!
Just why I don't know,
I don't do it for show.
It's a personal pleasure,
One could call it leisure...
Oh, leaving so soon?
How inopportune!
Let me show you the door,
But please, come once more.

I'm Usually A Ray Of Sunshine. Really.

Hmm I haven't written anything on here in ages. I suppose that's 'cause the post exam euphoric tide had me swept away from the real world for a bit. Well I'm back now. And pretty uninspired. I feel like I missed the transition stage between exams and parties. I never stopped to sit down for a moment and really appreciate the fact that they were over. I've imposed a brief hiatus from overly strenuous social activites on myself now so that I can take the time to enjoy being able to sit around doing absolutely nothing. After exams I plunged headfirst into things and now when I look back the past two weeks are nothing but a hazy blur of sun, music and god knows what else. As much as I love the craziness of summer, I need a break from it already! I guess I feel like everything happened so fast that I never stopped to enjoy it to it's fullest. That and the fact that some other things are kind of dampening the whole joie de vivre.

So now, instead of enjoying that indulgent stillness of being alone, I'm pacing about my room in agitation. Stuff happened over that past couple of years. I guess you could say that some old forgotton 'stuff' is finally resurfacing. Our sins always seem to find us out, don't they? And we deserve it.
I feel like I'm happening in slow motion. My eyes aren't really seeing anymore, I'm just moving blindly between the shifting frames of days. I resurrected some buried guilt and it's made me lose the ability to be awake. Guilt sucks. So here I am. Slap bang in the middle of summer, sitting in my room with the blinds shut and a harness of guilt strapped over my neck. How much fun would I be to party with?
And there's the irony. I could totally get up and go party like nothing ever happened. In fact, when my days really suck, my nights just get that much better. What I really want right now is to be sorry. To say sorry. To act sorry. For it not to be okay. Bring out the sackcloth already.

Then there's that part of me who reads over this and is thinking wtf? You don't have any real problems, your life is great. Why are you sitting here whining for no good reason. Cut it out or suck it up.

So I'm back where I started from. Racing blindly from one frame of my life to the other, not taking the time to stop and see where things changed; where the line was and where I crossed it. I'm racing, and I'll keep racing. One day I'm awake, the colours will be vivid, and things will be good. The other day I'll be in between and it'll all be a blur again. I guess we all have our good days and our bad ones.
Today just happens to be one of those bad ones.